This "Clam Dip" is basically a chemical stew

Well-known food writer Michael Pollan counsels us not to buy any food product with more than five ingredients. 

A couple of weeks ago, I saw this on sale at my local supermarket, and thought "It might be nice to try something different from my usual home-made onion dip." After all, the package advertised "The Perfect Dip For Chips!"

Can't argue with "perfect", so into my basket it went. 

Sadly, it fell considerably short of perfection. Though labeled "Creamy Clam Dip", it had no visible clams and almost no clam flavor. And its texture was…not creamy, but a sort of watery, gelatinous blob that was nothing like the sour cream-based dips one usually sees. 

I got curious about what was actually in the stuff. Here's the ingredient list, exactly as printed (in very small, slightly fuzzy type) on the plastic tub: 

SOUR DRESSING (NONFAT MILK, PALM OIL, STABILIZER [MODIFIED FOOD STARCH, GELATIN, MONO AND DIGLYCERIDES, GUAR GUM, CARRAGEENAN, SODIUM PHOSPHATE], SOYBEAN OIL, FLAVORING [LACTIC ACID, WATER, CITRIC ACID, ACETIC ACID, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS], MONO- AND DIGLYCERIDES AND BETA-CAROTENE, POTASSIUM SORBATE [PRESERVATIVE], NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR), MAYONNAISE (SOYBEAN OIL, WATER, EGG YOLKS, VINEGAR, SALT), CLAMS (SEA CLAMS, SEA CLAM JUICE, SALT, SODIUM TRIPOLYPHOSPHATE [TO RETAIN MOISTURE], CALCIUM DISODIUM EDTA [TO PRESERVE COLOR]), SUGAR, WATER, VINEGAR, SALT, SEASONING (MALTODEXTRIN, XANTHAN GUM, HYDROLYZED [CORN, SOY, AND WHEAT GLUTEN PROTEIN], POTASSIUM SORBATE [PRESERVATIVE], CITRIC ACID, CORN SYRUP SOLIDS, SPICES, SUGAR, VINEGAR, MOLASSES, COD LIVER OIL, MODIFIED CORN STARCH, CELLULOSE GUM, SOYBEAN OIL [AS A PROCESSING AID], CARAMEL COLOR, SALT, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS, GARLIC POWDER, YEAST EXTRACT, TAMARIND EXTRACT, LACTIC ACID), DEHYDRATED ONION, MODIFIED CORN STARCH, SODIUM BENZOATE (PRESERVATIVE).

If you make more than a passing attempt to wade through this, you will soon be waylaid by the various parentheses and brackets that group ingredients and explain their functions. It's a confusing jumble. But relax, I've done the hard work of parsing the list and organizing the ingredients. Here they are, in hierarchical outline form: 

sour dressing
    nonfat milk
    palm oil
    stabilizer
        modified food starch
        gelatin
        mono and diglycerides
        guar gum
        carrageenan
        sodium phosphate
    soybean oil
    flavoring
        lactic acid
        water
        citric acid
        acetic acid
        natural and artificial flavors
    mono- and diglycerides
    beta carotene
    potassium sorbate
    natural and artificial flavor
mayonnaise
    soybean oil
    water
    egg yolks
    vinegar
    salt
clams
    sea clams
    sea clam juice
    salt
    sodium tripolyphosphate
    calcium disodium EDTA
sugar
water
vinegar
salt
seasoning
    maltodextrin
    xanthan gum
    hydrolyzed protein
        corn
        soy
        wheat
    potassium sorbate
    citric acid
    corn syrup solids
    spices
    sugar
    vinegar
    molasses
    cod liver oil
    modified corn starch
    cellulose gum
    soybean oil
    caramel color
    salt
    natural and artificial flavors
    garlic powder
    yeast extract
    tamarind extract
    lactic acid
dehydrated onion
modified corn starch
sodium benzoate    

I've tried hard to keep it all straight, but it's possible I've made errors. 

Now let's talk about unique ingredients, because several ingredients (salt, e.g.) are listed multiple times. Here's what I've come up with (in order of appearance, not in order of decreasing amounts, like normal ingredient lists):

1. nonfat milk 
2. palm oil 
3. modified food starch (thickener/stabilizer)
   
4. gelatin (thickener/stabilizer)
   
5. mono- and diglycerides (fats) 
6. guar gum (thickener/stabilizer)
   
7. carrageenan (another thickener/stabilizer)
   
8. sodium phosphate (thickener/emulsifier)
   
9. soybean oil (a "processing aid")
   
10. lactic acid (adds "sour cream" taste)
    
11. water 
12. citric acid (more sour taste)
    
13. acetic acid (essentially, vinegar)
    
14. "natural and artificial flavors" (this covers a lot of ground!) 
15. beta carotene (for color)
    
16. potassium sorbate (preservative)
    
17. egg yolks 
18. vinegar 
19. salt 
20. sea clams 
21. sea clam juice 
22. sodium tripolyphosphate (preservative, also used in detergents)
    
23. calcium disodium ethylenediaminetetraacetic acid (My God, just read what Wikipedia says about this stuff: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ethylenediaminetetraacetic_acid)
    
24. sugar 
25. maltodextrin (basically sugar, but with a higher glycemic index)
    
26. xanthan gum (thickener)
    
27. hydrolyzed corn protein (simulates a bouillon, or broth taste)
    
28. hydrolyzed soy protein 
29. hydrolyzed wheat protein 
30. corn syrup solids (a cheater term for "sugar", basically) 
31. "spices" 
32. molasses (really? for color and flavor, I assume; contains a lot of sugar)
    
33. cod liver oil (no idea what it's doing in here; not usually considered great-tasting!) 
34. modified corn starch (thickener/stabilizer)
    
35. cellulose gum (thickener/stabilizer)
    
36. caramel color 
37. garlic powder 
38. yeast extract (adds "umami" flavor)
    
39. tamarind extract (adds sourness and flavor)
    
40. dehydrated onion 
41. sodium benzoate (preservative)
    

There! Did I miss anything? At least FORTY-ONE ingredients, and probably quite a few more (Who knows how many different mono- and diglycerides there are? Or "natural and artificial flavors"? Or "spices"?). When all is said and done, we're probably looking at at least 50 different ingredients. In Clam Dip! 

And they still couldn't make it taste good! 

Michael Pollan advises no more than five ingredients total. Here we have fifty! Of which, I count eight different thickeners and stabilizers, and at least three different chemical preservatives. 

Yum!